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Monday, October 7, 2013

Bummed Out, Rick Rollin...

My stupid IPod is trying to bum me out. 
I was listening to some awesome jams while doing laundry.. it was on random and now I see I should have just put it on my running play list... Nothing but Fall Out Boy, Justin Timberlake and Ludacris. haha
This random shit is playing crap like Fleetwood Mac, The Eagles, Baillie and the Boys, and Heart.

Yeaaaaahhh. I just Rick Roll'd you bitches. 

 Stupid shit my dad and I used to listen to while we were driving to my Grandma's house, or to school in the mornings, or on random trips to the Mc Donald observatory or fishing in Brady on long weekends. We used to do quiet a bit of crap when I was between the ages of 12-16. Then we had a rocky relationship for the next 2... After the age of 18 I had basically no relationship with him at all.. He showed up to my high school graduation and I just remember crying.  And then nothing again... I saw him one time while I was pregnant with Jacob... he wasn't there when I had him though. If he was I must have been on some pretty awesome meds because I don't remember him being there. Lord knows he wasn't at Hailey or Ethan's birth either. 

He did show up to my first marriage. I was very surprised. That's back when Jacob was 5 months old. I remember because he learned to sit up for the first time that day.. I didn't see my dad again for another year or so... when I decided to finally move to Austin and be Jacob's dad. My dad came to my house, helped me move all my stuff onto a U-haul... and drove it for me all the way to Austin. He then helped me unload everything off of it and then I took him home... We talked a bit over the next 2 years... and then nothing. When I met Allen, one weekend we came down to Angelo, and he asked my dad if he could ask me to marry him. 3 years later, we're getting married and my dad doesn't show up to the ceremony.. Even though I had called to make sure he was going to be there a week before. I shouldn't have been surprised though... Oct 4th is my birthday.. and he didn't call or anything that day... our wedding was the 11th, so yeah, if he can't remember my birthday... why would he remember my wedding?

Maybe it's because I'm a girl... I'm easily upset about stuff. I don't know... It pisses me off that he can let a birthday go by without a phone call. I even got a call from my brother Chris. He's the black sheep of the family I guess, but at least he remembers my birthday... He thought I was 3 years younger than I am.. but that's why I love him. haha 
"Yes.. I am turning 25 again. You're right."
Actually the convo went as follows...

Chris -  "How old are you now? 25?" 
Me - "25? yeah... try 28!" 
Chris -  "Holy shit! you're getting old!...*silence*... well I'm 33 so I guess you're right!" 
Me "..... yeah..we're getting old... " 
My oldest brother Randy... I don't know if he remembers it or not.. He's gotten to the point to where he seems like he doesn't care about our relationship either.. which is super weird too because back when he was in the Army, when he'd come to town, he'd take me out to eat, we'd go to movies together, and now our kids go to the same school and are in the same grade, even the same CLASS and if I see him while he's picking her up... I don't even get a head nod. It's like I'm a stranger to parts of my family and it sucks guys. Two of the guys I was closest to growing up, act like I don't even exist. Pathetic. 
Ah hell... I guess I need to stop worrying about it like everyone tells me.. I know he's the one missing out... Missing out on these awesome kids, missing out on being a grandpa...and a dad.. But it still hurts. Maybe some day I'll be able to grow a thick ass skin and say it doesn't bother me. Till then, my Ipod is going to be able to bum me out by just playing a few songs. Bastard. 
OH... If you're still with me, and haven't clicked the little X at the top yet... I might be able to keep my stupid Curves membership! Allen's on the New Mexico crew, which SUCKS FAT BALLS... but at least we're prepared this time. It's not like they're like "oh by the way, in 2 days you're going to New Mexico for a week". I sure hope he's home on Halloween though. O_o Anyways, yeah so I'll get to keep my Curves membership I hope. He'll be working a weird schedule on that crew. It SHOULD be a week on, a week off. But his boss isn't sure yet. If that's how it is, I'll be able to go to Curves on the weeks he's home. Thank GOD. 

I'm up to 148. I blame my birthday and ... me. I had a banana split... and have done minimal working out. Remember when I said I was going to start running? 3 miles a day till we went on vacation? That was a lie. A nasty dirty little lie to myself. I want to workout.. I really do.. I just can't make myself get off this damn couch. .... Guess I better do that now then huh?... FML.