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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Stress Stress go Away....

So much stupid bullshit has happened this month.. Like.. I don't even want to get into it, but I neeeeed to. 
So Easter I was talking to my dad's brother and he convinced me to try to make a lunch date with my dad. So I did... I texted my dad and basically TOLD him we needed to have lunch soon because I'm moving. There are things that need to be hashed out so I can feel normal again. I have been having so much crazy anxiety lately.. Like, Full on panic attacks... anxiety attacks.. whatever you want to call them. And ANYTHING can set them off right now.. Too much emotions at my surface or I'm thinking or over thinking too much... I'm not sure but They're accompanied by some AMAZING headaches. 
Anyways... We were supposed to have lunch last Wednesday, but he texted me that morning and said he had to be out of town again for work, so he'd just have to get in contact with me when he was back to reschedule. Again.... Last week. I guess my answer is written between the lines of our conversation... where I had to basically MAKE him make plans with me. 

About these episodes I'm having... they're pretty awesome. I get clammy, start pacing, or getting really fidgety, my breathing gets fast and shallow where I feel like I have to GULP for air... I literally have had to put my head between my knees a few times to keep my head from spinning off. It'll happen at the smallest things right now too... Like, I'm a bomb that's going to implode instead of explode. 

This move is stressing me the FU#* out too. Bad. Bad Bad. Our landlord is cool with us moving, I'm almost positive we'll get our deposit back with no issues... Plus we had to add 800$ onto a loan we have at the bank to extend that bitch out for another year to help with a deposit on a house... IF WE CAN FIND ONE. we've been looking... and everywhere that is available, they don't accept pets. We can't get rid of Skeeter. Period. And the other houses that we like, all already have contracts on them... not to mention the Drive Time issue has royally effed our credit even more than it was when we moved here... 

Allen's job is super pissing me off... Like,.. I feel like this whole stupid transfer was sold to me on a golden platter full of bullshit. "You'll get a raise and a promotion when you transfer" was what I was told.... Reality is completely fucking different and THAT is stressing me out and making me REALLY anxious too... Reality is, Theres just more OPPORTUNITY for a promotion... and the raise, is going to be a normal raise that he would have been getting whether we moved or not.  Not to mention He's gotten written up TWICE there already (one thing couldn't be helped.. and the other was a damn speeding ticket) and one of those write ups lost us a 700$ safety bonus. The other one is costing us 245$ out of pocket PLUS he's getting docked 3 days pay.

I can't even think about that right now.. I feel my chest getting tight and my hands getting clammy... 
It's almost nap time.. so I'll have to update more later.. this has basically been nothing but a bitch fit on paper... minus the paper. 

I'll probably have more to write about later today.. or tomorrow.. who knows. 
Oh.. also... in the past 3 weeks... we've had TWO cats die under our house.